Never alone!
See, I have
engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.
(Isaiah 49:16 NIV)
Alone, I must admit that before 2006 I did not
understand the real meaning of that word. That all changed after Roger was
diagnosed with lung cancer in January 2006. The word “alone” started to
float in my mind. I tried to push it out of my head, but it would come back
especially on days when Roger struggled to breathe, or the coughing that would rob
him of his strength.
I was believing God for a miracle. But I also had to look at
the reality of the situation. Roger had already been though six chemotherapy
protocols. He had also endured thirty-three radiation treatments. None of these
treatments had managed to stop or even slow down this cancer from ravaging his
body. Unless a miracle happened soon, the word “alone” was
becoming a difficult reality I now had to face.
Roger was very courageous. He very seldom
complained. Every day he tried to go through this battle without
worrying me. I can honestly say that we had some silent conversations, many
silent conversations. When a couple has a healthy relationship which we had, it
is possible to have a conversation with each other without saying a word.
His palliative doctor brought reality straight to my face
when he took me aside and gave me the booklet: “Learning to live without you”.
Reality would cruelly set in when Roger died on March 14, 2008. I had to face
the harsh reality that I was going be alone for the first time in 44
years.
As the days, months and years passed I have found great
comfort in my faith. Being alone made me pursue my relationship with the
Lord in a more intense fashion. Joshua 1:5b was one verse I repeated
often. “As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave
you nor forsake you.”
In Deuteronomy 31:6, I even made that personal by
added a few words…… “Be strong and courageous. Do not be
afraid or terrified because of them, (of the fear of being alone) for
the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake
you.”
The Lord was there in my kitchen when I would set the table
for two just to realize I was alone. He was there when I had
to walk up the stairs and go into our room and stare at the empty bed. The Lord
was there, when I woke up during the night struggling to get my blankets off me
because I thought I heard Roger call my name. The Lord was there with me when I
had to walk in our master closet and see Roger’s clothes hanging as though they
were waiting for him to pick something to wear. The Lord was there when I
tried to mow the lawn and could not even get the electric cord to be in the
right place. He was there when I had to learn to put gas in my car. HE
WAS ALWAYS THERE.
One morning I read Isaiah 49:16: “See, I
have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.” Because
I am inscribed on the palm of His hands, automatically I am always in His
presence. He is present with me, and I am present with Him. There is never a
moment when I am not on His mind and on His heart.
I wrote down Isaiah 60:1 on a piece of paper and set it on
my night table. For weeks, the first thing I did as I woke up was to read that
verse: “Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the
glory of the Lord rises upon you.” I must admit that
most morning I read this verse out of faith, because my emotions, I did not feel
like I was shining.
People went on with their lives as they should. My three
gown children were great, but they had families that needed them. They also had
to go back to work. Some people understood. Others did not understand the
degree or the depth of my pain. When people put a time limit on grief, that
person has never lost anyone close to their heart.
But the Lord never forgot about me. He always understood
my pain. He has never let me out of His sight or stopped helping or providing
for me.
Psalm 63:1 says: “You, God, are my God, earnestly
I seek you; My
soul thirsts for You; My flesh longs for You. In a dry and thirsty land, where
there is no water.” David
wrote this Psalm when he was in the wilderness of Judah! Sometimes, when we
pray, we find ourselves in our own “wilderness”. We feel alone, we only
find silence, it is like our prayers are hitting a wall. But, on
those days, our answer comes in Psalm 91:14: “Because he has set his
love upon Me, (says the Lord) therefore, I will deliver him; I will set him on
high, because he has known My name.”
Psalm 16:8-9 says:“I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore, my heart is glad, and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure,” I decided that with the Lord's help as so well written in this Psalm, I would be to move forward, I would continue to serve Him and continue
with the calling on my life to help people in need.
Therefore, because He knows my name, I am never alone. Having the Lord in my life is my strength, my peace and the assurance that indeed as I continue my journey on this earth, I am never alone.
Lord,
thank you because knowing You love me is always of great comfort to me.
Because of You, I AM NEVER ALONE!
P.N.: I wrote this article not out of
self-pity, rather with the desire it might be helpful to someone who might be
feeling alone.
Denise
Bible
references are from the New International Version unless otherwise specified.
